Reading time: about four minutes
Time to complete the exercise: about 15 minutes (however, it can vary)
Introduction
The idea of mindset has worked its way into popularity and business circles. Mindset is the idea that the way we think about ourselves, the world, authority, and relationships influences how we interact with the world. This aspect of mindset is very helpful. However, the modern idea that mindsets can be easily exchanged for others is both dangerous and incorrect.
Alfred Adler, a lesser-known forefather of psychology, introduced the idea of mindset. He, Carl Jung, and Sigmund Freud all worked together for a time. Adler, although lesser-known, had a very dramatic impact on psychology. His influence can be seen in many modern trends in theory and practice. Adler’s idea, which has been overly simplified into the concept of mindset, was what he called “Life Style,” which is how we unconsciously interact with the world. Life Style is the unseen, repetitive, reactive patterns we act out as we try to deal with the tasks of life. Life Style is reinforced and ultimately held in place by what Adler called “fictions,” the recurring stories we have for ourselves about what the world is, what relationships are, what intimacy is, and what our place in the world is. For each of us, our fictions, Life Style, and way of being in the world are held in place by what Adler called “basic mistakes,” which later came to be known as “mistaken beliefs” and “self-defeating perceptions.”
Keep in mind that your basic mistakes, your self-defeating perceptions, your mistaken beliefs all have a direct relationship to how you lead and operate at work.
The tricky parts of all of this are: 1) we cannot see our mistaken beliefs and self-defeating perceptions because they are the structure of how we see the world and because they are the framework of how we interact with the world, 2) our limiting beliefs are, so core to who we are, that if we remain unconscious to them, they dictate our limits; and 3) our limiting and mistaken beliefs have been with us so long that awareness alone does not create change. In short, mindset cannot be altered by simple recognition. It takes inner work to create new ways of being in the world. As an example, if you struggle with imposter syndrome (something that has become quite popular to talk about), your imposter syndrome will not go away because you read a blog, watched a video, or read a book. Your imposter syndrome will recur, over and over, and over again. Kind of like what happens to Bill Murray’s character in the phenomenal movie “Groundhog Day.”
What is Inner Work & How do I Begin?
The best way to do deeper work on oneself is to work with a coach or therapist. Coaches and therapists have a way of bringing objectivity, deep questioning, and impartial analysis to us in a way that deconstructs our defenses over time. Before defining inner work, it is essential to acknowledge that each of us has a part that resists, which remains very hidden. If you are reading this, and finding your inner voice saying, “I am not defensive… I don’t have defenses” or “I don’t have a part that resists,” then you happen to be displaying for yourself precisely the fact that your defenses and resistance are here and wish to remain unconscious so that they can reinforce your fictions, mistaken beliefs, and self-defeating perceptions. Don’t worry, though. It happens to all of us. It even happens to coaches and therapists.
So, now we come to the question, what is inner work? Inner work is the scientific, experimental, data-driven way we come to examine, learn about, and see how we really are in the world, how others see us, and how we unconsciously hold ourselves back, cause harm and pain to ourselves and others.
Getting Started
If you are interested (and maybe a little apprehensive) to learn a bit about what lies in your unconscious, you can try this exercise. Keep in mind; these are not about what is right and wrong. It is not about what gender should be; it is simply a report of what life was like for you. Also remember, to use your own words to answer the questions. It is imperative, to be honest. Do not censor yourself. Be patient. The exercise can take a little time.
Get out a piece of paper (if you are old-fashioned) or click into your favorite digital note-taking app. A friendly tip - physically writing is best because it creates a more profound learning
This next part is a bit challenging the first time you do it. Be patient. It will come to you. Try to recall what it was like to be a young child. If it helps, pull up or allow memories to come to you or simply try and remember a global sense of what it was like to be a child. An excellent way to begin is to explore the following:
Were you generally happy?
What was it like to be a child in your neighborhood?
What was it like when you were with friends? At school?
What kind of relationship did your parents have? What was their relationship like with their children and with you?
You can write these answers down if you choose.
Now, think back to before you were eight years old, and from that perspective, answer these questions.
As a child, how did you see the world? If you filled in the blank, “the world is_____,” what word would you put in the blank? Was the world generally safe? Was the world generally scary? Was the world adventurous?
As a child, how did you see men? Were they preoccupied? Fun? Absent? Strong? Smart? Unintelligent? If you were to fill in the blank, “men are_____,” what word would you put in the blank?
As a child, how did you see women? Were they warm? Friendly? Caring? Were they glamorous? Strong? If you were to fill in the blank, “women are_____,” what word would you put in the blank?
How would you fill in the blanks “My mom is____” and “my dad is____” - remember, if you had two moms or two dads or lived with your parents, it is best to use your actual situation.
As a child, how did you see marriage? Was it a competition? A partnership? Was it a limiting idea that did not let partners express themselves? Was it a place where partners vied for control? If you were to fill in the blank, “marriage is_____,” what word would you put in the blank? Did you learn that partners were caring towards each other? Did you learn that there was a value in monogamy? Did you learn that there was value in polyamory?
As a child, what did you think of school? Of your friendships? Of your home life? Fill in the blank for each of these.
School is ____
Friendships are____
Home life is_____
As a child, what was your place? Were children valued? Were children to be seen but not heard?
How would you fill in the blank, “I am____?” Are you funny? Smart? A big kid? Small in a big world?
Write down your answers as a short sentence. For example, it can read, “The world is ____. Men are____. Women are ____. Marriage is____. Mom is____. Dad is____. I am____. Friendship is ____. School is____. Home life is____.”
Whether primarily happy or mostly sad, the above is a record of how you see the world. It is a record of your mistaken beliefs, your fictions. These beliefs are what create your life style. Now, if you are brave, you can go out into the world and see how often these frameworks are operating in the background as you go through your everyday routine.
And, if you are courageous, you can entertain these thoughts as great fictions that create the world you live in and the way you interact with it.
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